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INTRODUCTION
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I come from an emotionally ill family. A terrible and painful plight no one ever wanted to talk about robbed my childhood and that of my brothers and sisters. My father drank compulsively to deal with his emotional pain. |
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I never understood what my real past meant or how it had affected me. I had buried it. It was out of my sight. But when I was on my third failing relationship and having my sister embezzle my money to support her partner’s addictive behaviors. I was forced to look for answers.
My memories had been buried. Growing up in a dysfunctional family did have a devastating effect on me, and my entire family. I began to relive the pain I had been avoiding.
I used to think I emerged from the family intact and okay. Out of ten of us, three died in tragic accidents and one is disabled because of an accident. Two brothers drank to deal with the emotional pain. We the four girls put our focus on others so we did not have to feel our own pain. Because I did not have problems with alcohol or drugs, I thought I was okay, and like millions of others, I did not understand why my life had been messed up for so long. I always blamed myself. I never connected growing up with a dysfunctional family to my behavior as an adult. But now I had connected the dots that the present pain was connected to the pain of my childhood and youth.
My childhood was not normal. I grew up watching my father passing out from drinking too much, while my mother prayed and paid the bills, hoping one day it would all just go away. Meanwhile, I watched my oldest sisters and brothers becoming obsessed with controlling everyone’s behaviors.
I watched everyone argue and abuse one another. I never knew what would happen next. I didn't know what was real. The house was filled with anger and fear, but we pretended to the outside world everything was okay.
I believed that once I left that environment, my troubles would disappear. Not so. The pain didn't go away; I just repressed it. My childhood and youth was my training ground for life. In order to get better, I needed to deal with the ordeal of my childhood and youth. I had to relive it to get rid of it. There was no escape.
I knew that what was going on in our home wasn't normal. I longed to have a normal home life. I didn't dare bring friends home because I was afraid of what might happen.
Children of dysfunctional parents never get to be children. The family's attention is focused on the adults’ compulsive behaviors, so the child's needs and feelings are ignored.
I never knew what to expect. We never confronted our reality. Once I left home, I retreated into a fantasy life. I had so much shame. Not facing reality threatened my mental health; it threatened my freedom. It was impossible to get close to any other human being. I became lonely and isolated. I was suicidal. But I didn’t have a problem with alcohol and drugs, so I thought I was "okay."
Thank God I was lucky enough to find an enlightened witness like Alice Miller to help myself and stop the painful, vicious cycle, humiliation and low self-worth.
My rage started at an early age - too much missed sleep because of anxiety, too much craziness. My mother and older sisters were deeply religious, but their church didn't provide any answers. It was all so sad to feel the disintegration of our family. It was like being on a sinking ship and not knowing how to swim.
We are forced to push away all anger and resentment that built up over the years. They say, "Let the past rest," but it can sit and burn down at the bottom of the soul.
The truth brings freedom. Dr. Alice Miller in her book, “The Truth Will Set You Free; Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self” says, “The past always catches up with us, in our relationships with other people and especially with our children.” We must face the pain in our lives. The only way out is through it. Nothing in the external world - not a religion, not a political group, not a job, not a relationship, and not any amount of money can save us from the pain of our past. Until we walk through our pain, we will keep repeating our past in the present moment; and there is no escape.
It was very difficult to talk about my story. I cried a lot. I had no idea, when I started on this project of the pain and anguish I would endure as I journeyed into that secret part of my soul; but upon completion, I found resolution. The pieces of the puzzle were starting to fit. The relief was overwhelming.
At this point I could have put my story away. I had completed my personal task. But I kept thinking of the millions of children who are suffering alone in silence, afraid of the night and afraid of the day; the millions of children who suffer violence, emotional and physical abuse as part of their daily lives.
As difficult as I know it will be, I feel a responsibility to share my story with the public. I have gained a lot of insight; and I feel the need to share with others what I have learned, especially in Portugal, which remains a very closed and secretive culture.
I realized they have a code of silence, a system of denial. They don’t want to remember the past. It is buried, so let it rest. Denial gets passed on from generation to generation. It allows ignorance to continue and progress. Going public will trigger their repressed, painful emotions; and it might force them to go back in their past, relive it, and deal with it, so they can start their path to freedom. They might project their repressed, painful emotions into me and blame me for what they feel. It’s a risk that I have to take.
I am lucky I went to the United States and found the books of Alice Miller. I can look back and say, No, it's not pretty. It's hard to tell and difficult to think about; but it’s my personal truth. If the telling of my story can help others, it will be worth the risk.
Those who have lived this way can learn to understand, save their lives and finally be free. They can find balance and happiness. They no longer have to live their lives keeping secrets. The secrets we keep keep us prisoners. If we want to free ourselves we have to face, acknowledge, articulate, and feel our painful truth; and there is no escape.
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