Sylvie Shene - Articles - Codependency Is

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ARTICLES: CODEPENDENCY IS...

Codependency is: “An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.” Robert Subby

Facts on Codependency

It’s everywhere. Codependency is an “equal opportunity” emotional disorder affecting people of all ages, races, genders, educational backgrounds, and income levels. It is a diagnostic term to describe behaviors that are extreme, compulsive, and inappropriate to conceal the exposure of inner feelings.

It begins at birth. Codependency has it origins at birth with parents who were unable to unconditionally love and meet the dependency needs of their child. These needs include self-esteem, feeling safe, freedom of expression, and opportunities for play.

Addictions are a cause. A major cause for a parent’s unavailability, it is the presence of one or more addictions in the marriage. Addictions are symptoms of inferior complex or superior complex, of which a parent will often not take any responsibility. Their inferior complex or superior complex will then get passed down to their children through abuse.

Feelings are repressed. Abuse blocks the child from getting his dependency needs met. It also shames the child, causing him to believe he is inferior or superior to others. He then connects his shame with abuse, unmet dependency needs, and eventual abandonment. He finds ways to make his shame go away by developing repression skills, allowing him to believe that he is safe and that his parents are okay. The child unconsciously attaches this shame to many aspects of oneself, and will also repress most, if not all, his core feelings.

Facades are developed. The child hides his feelings by developing facade behaviors to get his some form of attention from his parents. Just as his repression was extreme, his emotional facade will also be extreme. He may be chronically rebellious and angry, or chooses to act consistently pleasant and submissive no matter what. He may do neither and behave intellectually detached and aloof. He will do anything and everything to express the opposite to what is actually going on within. This facade evolves into a role that becomes engrained during childhood. If he would otherwise depart from his role by exposing a deep feeling, he also exposes his shame, and his rejection issues come out in full force.

The codependent becomes ‘Co-Attached’ By repressing feelings, the codependent essentially disowns himself to fit in with his family and the outside world. He will only feel esteemed when he accommodates the demands of all his external relationships at the expense of his own. These demands include acquiring the externals to feel worthwhile: appearing youthful, making lots of money, acquiring credentials, behaving excessively feminine or macho, having social contacts and more. He becomes attached to any or all of these compulsively. He will also attach himself to addictions to feel good and be in control.

Breaking the cycle. These attachments have a mortality of their own, and they will eventually expire. For example, a codependent may go through a bankruptcy, get fired, go through a divorce, enter middle-age crises, or bottom-out in an addiction. His shame becomes exposed, and he feels powerless believing that his life is falling apart. It is no wonder so many people seek out professional help when they suffer these losses. If the codependent has the luck to find a healthy professional to help him through the recovery process. Recovery involves confronting one’s shame by admitting their own extreme and compulsive behaviors, and releasing the attachments. It involves taking back all that the codependent has disowned, and becoming clear on what he believes, feels, his personal space, and direction in life.

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